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I keep looking at the screen that shows an empty window chat with the guy I used to love until I didn't anymore. I wish, so bad, to be in love with him again. To keep attached to him so I can't leave. I can't go out and meet anyone else. I can't feel anything beside him.
I keep crying and I can't even put it in words and all of the sudden something aches and I can't even breathe. 
I want to call you and spit all the things out, but I don't even know what to say, because I don't even know what I feel. I don't even trust my feelings.
You always appreciated the way I love someone because it's the purest way of loving a person. You said that both you and me have a similar way of feeling things.
I always hated the way I care so deeply and feel so much, so intense. I always hated to know I am one of the weakest women on Earth. I always hated how profoundly things touch me and how they always cause some sort of reaction in me, even if it is the slightest of things. I always regret the things that I cried for, knowing after that crying did not make sense at that time. I always hated when my voice cracks and gets tinny because I am talking out of hurt. I always hated those were the things I missed the most when I was not being myself.
I want to tell you that sometimes I see your hair across the screen and I want to run my fingers through it. I want to tell you that the things I imagine when I see you sitting on the chair are not always sexual. I want to tell you that I inhale fresh air every time I push you away and you pull me closer.
And I want to tell you a lot, but telling hurts and it hurts deeply.
I don't want you to say what I know you would say. I don't want you to feel you owe me something. I don't want you to fit between the tinny space of being honest or being cautious with my feelings, because there are no feelings, because I am not sure about myself anymore.
And I don't want to lose a friend, and you're that.
I hope you forgive me when I get brave enough to disappear of your sight. I hope someway you'll understand I do that in order to get back to you without hurting me in the process.

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