Self-reminder

Here you are spitting words again.

Right now, at this very moment, you believe those tears have names underneath them; but the truth is that even if you wanted them to have names and faces cling onto it, they do not.

You do not see it very clearly but here you are crying about everything you have not cried before. This is for the 69 days under lock down. The trip that got cancelled. The men on white scrubs that you do not flirt with anymore when they ask your name. The hugs you gave every day at 6 pm at the same spot with the same person. The charming smiles and your friends wondering when will you stop being that flirtatious.

You are not crying because a guy did not reply to an email, or a text. You are not crying because of him, or any other guy you had the pleasure to encounter in your life, you are crying because of you: because you made a mistake again by being yourself, the most you you could possibly be.

You are crying because you stopped replying to the only guy who you think loves you, but I wish you could see how months ago not replying to him was something you could not even imagine, because how could you not respond to the guy that says he loves you?! Impossible.

You are crying because it is Saturday night, and under normal circumstances, you would be all dress up to meet guys you won't respond to their texts after. You would kiss them and hear how amazing you are, because they all use the same script. And then you would move on, so would they. You are crying because, under normal circumstances, you would be at your best friend's house greeting all the guest with a glass of wine, telling them where to park. You would be hugging your best friend while you dance, and owning the dance floor when they ask you to do it because you adore the attention you always get.

You are crying because you think you miss a guy you have not even taste, but the truth is that you miss everything besides him. You miss the hugging, the touching, the drinking, the dancing, the laughing. And you look so good when you enjoy yourself and that is why people stay around you.

You are a crazy women, and you always have been. You always love too much, too intense, too loud. You are suffocating. You enter into a room and people notice, and not because of how you look, but because how you feel. There is a reason why people get close to you, even if you are too much.

I am you and I am talking straight to you: You are important.

I am not saying the person you are missing right now will come back. I am not saying he should. There is a strong chance that, even if he had seen you owning the dance floor laughing and singing with a glass of wine in your hand, he would not stay. He does not have to stay. 

And you, the real you, you know that. Your "new" feelings for him are a projection of a loneliness that kept increasing by the fact that you were already alone. He is the same person you knew before lock down. He will be the same person after lock down. You just cannot see it because everything that you miss right now messed you up, because birth control and periods mess you up, because guys have messed you up.

The person you were nights ago is a flawed version of you. I could never lie to you by telling you that person is not you, but acknowledging her it is the first step on destroying her. In the mid time, I will remind you the other versions of you that you should embrace: The you that owns the stage when it comes to speaking in public. The one that raises her voice in front of injustices, even if it is tinny. The one that hugs herself when their teachers tell her how good of a leader she is, how good worker, how wonder woman she is. The one that hugs herself when she heard "You are exceptional and it was an honor to have you in my class". The one that spend hours coordinating a huge gift donation in Christmas when did volunteering with children with all sorts of cancer. The one that bought the nicest gift to the little boy who stole her heart during that volunteering when he said "Miss Bocanegra, look at my new leg". The one that cried in the arms of her mother when an old friend died. The one that wrote a letter to him. The one that is the smartest person in the room. The one that kisses their friends when drunk. The one that has lived life at her fullest. So fullest that it makes her cry now. The one that cried on the grave of her grandparent, asking him to please make her stop loving a guy because it hurt too much. The one that today can speak to that guy, after years, and hear him saying there are things he regrets. The one that is an excellent kisser, and flirts too much to be true. The one that held his father hand when grandpa died. The one that held her best friend hand when her cousin died. The one that drank for him, and then asked her friends to please never die. The one that got hurt, multiple times, by different men. And forgave them. The one who is an excellent dancer. The one who planned an scheduled trip to Cartagena, and stays with it even if her plus one is not coming.

And after all of this, I will tell you one last thing: you might have lost a friend today because you made a mistake, a huge mistake. You were too much too soon when he did not even ask for that. There is a strong chance he won't come back.

But you will be okay with time and friends, and lots of wine. You will keep being you, even when you do not like yourself too often. And you will learn from it, to be a better friend next time.

I know that, because I am you.