L'art et le plaisir

Here you are spitting words again. Right now, at this very moment, you believe those tears have names underneath them; but the truth is that even if you wanted them to have names and faces cling onto it, they do not. You do not see it very clearly but here you are crying about everything you have not cried before. This is for the 69 days under lock down. The trip that got cancelled. The men on white scrubs that you do not flirt with anymore when they ask your name. The hugs you gave every day at 6 pm at the same spot with the same person. The charming smiles and your friends wondering when will you stop being that flirtatious. You are not crying because a guy did not reply to an email, or a text. You are not crying because of him, or any other guy you had the pleasure to encounter in your life, you are crying because of you: because you made a mistake again by being yourself, the most you you could possibly be. You are crying because you stopped replying to the only guy who yo...

I keep looking at the screen that shows an empty window chat with the guy I used to love until I didn't anymore. I wish, so bad, to be in love with him again. To keep attached to him so I can't leave. I can't go out and meet anyone else. I can't feel anything beside him. I keep crying and I can't even put it in words and all of the sudden something aches and I can't even breathe.  I want to call you and spit all the things out, but I don't even know what to say, because I don't even know what I feel. I don't even trust my feelings. You always appreciated the way I love someone because it's the purest way of loving a person. You said that both you and me have a similar way of feeling things. I always hated the way I care so deeply and feel so much, so intense. I always hated to know I am one of the weakest women on Earth. I always hated how profoundly things touch me and how they always cause some sort of reaction in me, even if it is the...

part of me writes because there is nothing else i could do. part of me writes in english because I have been taught that's the way I would feel I am not talking about feelings. but i am. there was a moment in time where things were good and then they just crashed. all of them at the same time. i was the valid and vividly representation of the butterfly effect. all the aspects related to me simply went bad and somehow most of them seemed out of my reach to be solved and i could do nothing about them, except wait. - there were nights, constant and repeatedly nights, where my body and my head asked for help. i felt i needed therapy again and i was not mad about it, i loved therapy - but therapy was the great reminder that something was not right and i needed to fix it. sincerely, too many things needed therapy and i was not able to seek for help to all of them. i was aware that university was the only environment that could postpone my feelings and mitigate them until i came b...